一转眼2021也快过了.
It's 2am and as I'm writing this reflection post
The last time I tried to revive this little cosy space of mine was in 2018 (and that was before I even knew I'd be caught up in the rat race) Not a single doubt that it is CRINGEY looking back all posts from the way back in 2018 till 2016. There was one single thing that I noticed that hadn't change during this period, and that was my 'all out' personality, spurting every single nonsense without a single fear, a single thought about what people thinks, being loud, being me.
You could see it from each and every post, how sincere I was in dedicating posts to my "gan siblings" and "besties" LOL. I would literally write in CAPS and in RED for each dedication post, sometimes i'dl even INCREASE THE FONT SIZE + BOLD the texts, in fear that my 12/13 years old besties would have missed the message (random memory of cbox just popped up in my head haha). Good shamlessly embarassing but fun, or more like, funny childhood memories.
Exactly what a kid is supposed to be living like.
Would un-alived myself if I had a single idea how nonsensical I was.
Good times indeed.
Someone once told me that I'm always living in the past, major throwbacks and random insertion of my own definition of fun experiences that I've had always appear in my Instagram stories from time to time. Truth is, in-fact the first thing at the start of the day, or sometimes at the end of the day, I would look for 'create' and look for 'x years ago' posts to re-share again. I sometimes wonder, too. Am I? Why am I, living in the past? Hmm.. Is this purely for recap of my good old moments or is it because I think that I'm suffering in this very present moment?
"The grass is always greener on the other side" & one more saying that would suit me more would be,
"The grass that you've walked past is always greener"
As I continue to water the grass where I am walking, I find myself losing that joy, that fun, that energy, that positive upbeat spirit and that ray of hope. I feel like I'm not doing my best & that I'm just doing what's needed. Is this what/how growing up should feel like?
Feel that I've been abusing this "growing up" thing for a really long time, ever since I was 18 and now I'm about to turn 25 soon. I should've been "all grown up" or at least what others had expected me to be (behaving).
The road ahead isn't all rainbows and unicorns, anymore.
It's no longer bright, but neither is it dark too.
It's all just a blur.
Me being me, the absolute hater for uncertainty. This feeling really sucks.
& I know, no one could un-blur this for me, because I only see things for myself, and that I truly need to believe in it.
Sometimes, many times actually. I envy friends who carry a happy-go-lucky attitude. I envy friends who "have their life all sorted out". I envy friends who could just go ahead with what life has got for them. I envy friends who's mental fortitude is out of the world, who could make everything work for them and be in control of every single aspect in their lives.
这说长不长，但说短也不短的3年..
What exactly have I learnt, what exactly have I become, or what am I becoming?
Some said 1 year in this industry = 5 years in it.. so.... does it mean I've already mentally aged +15 years? Haha.
没人告诉我这会是我所需要经历的人生旅途.
It sure hadn't been easy, but have it been worth it though? Would what I've learnt, experienced, and went through be sufficient to say that I've grown? No idea, nobody knows too I guess.
All that ups and downs, I say CRASHING down the hill with no brakes kind of downs, all that self destructing mental thoughts and basically giving up on myself kind of attitude and behaviour. Would you have counted this as "failure"?
5/10 years down the road, I'll be reading this post again. I hope to be laughing and cringing at my immature thoughts and writing, I hope to be where I had envisioned myself to be. I hope to be a better person, with a stronger mental state, with pure confidence and be really happy with who I am, what I've earned in life.
这人生旅途还没完.
Till then,
keep leveling up Lynette.
P.S/ Writing is a really a thing that I enjoy. Sometimes, it's nice to be back to sweet old simpler times.
P.S.S/ DOES ANYONE STILL USES P.S?
P.S.S.S/ This blog is private, so who do I think I'm writing to? HAHHAHA
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